in an effort to balance the frivolity of more recent entries: i'm feeling horrible today. everything's mixed up and there is no order. i woke up like this. woke up to the phone ringing with a sweet voice on the other end, woke up charmed. but it wasn't enough. after wrenching myself from sleep/bed/security, i stood in front of my closet and pondered the way i can be, pondered the way friends disappoint, but unknowingly because they, too, are flawed. i was searching for grace, but exhibited none. and so i went forth, mechanically engaging in the morning routine, mechanically walking to the stop i daily frequent to catch the f-train to work, the gears of my mind working so that i was pulled along by my thoughts and not by my sense of direction. sitting on the wooden benches of the f-train, i thought about how my heart can be selfish and cold, even during times when i realize that it is and i need to change. i thought about how different people bring out different aspects of me and pondered the way i was so far away from being a radiant child of god. and then i wondered at how i am stuck in this state of nebulous underachievement, all the while lamenting that god recognizes our predilection toward sin, and equips us with the means to throw off these shackles, even pours upon us grace so that we may begin to break free of this swampy, quicksand-like existence to move toward lush, verdant lives, and how i, in my me-centered world, although aware in my mind of these truths of the freedom god showers upon us, still wallow in this state of desperate, but stagnant, dissatisfaction. in the background, through the reflection of the window, i see a street person i often run into step up to board the train. he's a friendly guy with a large heart- older, skinny, and active to the point where he may have an air of one with ADD. he has bright eyes. i met him first when he saw me board the train and offered advice to me about transportation options. the last time i saw him was when he boarded the train that i take when i'm late to work. he offered the conductor some of his apples he had in a bag. although we never speak, he cheers me with his cheerfulness, and today is not different. so i'm sitting, pondering my myriad of thoughts, but at the same time lessen the intensity of them as i distractedly watch him board the train. 'do you have a transfer?' i hear the conductor say, after which a period of silence lingers. and then, finally- 'i must have left it at home.' i recognize his mumble, but don't listen carefully as i focus on my personal ruminations. the train resumes its pace and i turn my head to watch him walk away, and only then do i notice: he is limping, his head lowered. i watch until it hurts to strain my neck any further. it hits me all at once, the realization. if i hadn't been mired in my selfish, self-centered world it would have occurred to me to just get up and sponsor his trip. a trip that would have set me back one dollar. and what is a dollar? i have one dollar in coins, even one dollar in dollars, lying around my house, lost and insignificant. contrast this with a person's physical pain exacerbated by discouragement. today the man is limping. to get to places he will limp, and he will limp painfully and slowly. one dollar goes a long way. you can get a transfer with one dollar, and a transfer allows you to take as many rides as you need within the span of a couple hours. something quite helpful when you're limping and your foot is in pain, something i would have thought of doing had i not been so stuck on my self lamentation. i become angry with myself, angry that i had been so entrenched in my thoughts that i had missed an opportunity to look past myself to catalyze those initial steps to step out of my selfishness and into the heart of god. posted by testimonies 3:04 PM Add a comment . . .
